Today’s home collection


Went to a home collection today. His name was Mr. Lance Mabel. I rang his door bell and a weird odour was coming from inside. I rang the door bell again and this rough voice comes from somewhere in the house, “Whozzat?”. I said, “Hello, Mr Mabel? It’s Crisp. The blood collector.”. He says, “I can’t hear you. Come in!”

As I walked through the house, I was trying to figure out where he was so I kept saying, “Mr. Mabel? Where are you?” and I hear, “I’m in the bathroom. What the bloody hell you want?” I saw the bathroom door ajar and I repeated myself. “I’m Crisp sir. The blood collector for Dr. Jacaranda. He wanted you to get one done today.”

I hear a pause. And then his rough voice comes from the other side of the door, “I can’t hear you. Come here!” A quick image of him in the nark splayed out in the bathroom floor came to mind and I quickly say, “Uhm, I’ll just wait for you to get dressed then if that’s okay.” To that he goes, “Nah, it’s gonna take me half an hour to get dressed, so you better get it done now!” And I’m like, “Well I’ll come back later then when you’re dressed. I got a few more patients to see anyway….” I was getting a bit freaked. Why wasn’t he coming out of the bathroom?

“Nah, get it done now!” he shouts. I expected that he might be on the nark when I open the bathroom door but I was shocked all the same to see this deaf, half blind old man on a wheelchair, almost naked with a hint o’ bum creeping out the side of the towel on his lap. He kept telling me to come closer and the fact that he was in a wheelchair and couldn’t see me much were little comfort to my imaginative mind thinking he might wanna attack me. He was naked and aggressive and the situation was making me very uncomfortable.

He was so grumpy all the time I tried to collect his blood. Kept swearing and chucking away the towel I put under his arm to elevate it. I kept calling him Mr. Mabel and he’d say, “What’s all this Mr. Mabel nonsense? It’s Lance!”. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough as soon as I’ve put everything in my bag.

As I drove off to my next patient I wondered to myself why do people act so horrible around other people when being a bit nice would’ve been cool and we both would’ve remembered to say Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to each other. I wonder if he says Merry Christmas. Oh, and by speaking about the Christmas, he asked for a special present, he wanted the very best electric knife sharpener for his kitchen.